When men grow up-- would we take them back?
My cousin split up with her boyfriend that she’s been with for six years this week. It’s been a long time coming; she needed to do it years ago in my opinion, she should have done it before they had a child together. Now she’ll have the whole sharing of the child to work out with him. I don’t find it strange that they split up, I’ve been hoping that she would wake up and smell the stench of the manure he’s been feeding her for years. What I find strange is that she, in a moment of weakness perhaps, called her ex-husband and told him he could come and see his daughter who he hasn’t been allowed to see for at least four years now. He had his custodial rights taken away from him in court because at the time of their divorce he was a violent drunk who couldn’t hold down a job. He did some pretty violent things in his anger at her divorcing him and taking his ‘family’ away from him. And she and the rest of the family have spent the last few years safe-guarding and protecting her daughter (my god-daughter) from her ex-husband, and now she goes and calls him up and allows him to see his daughter. She says because her daughter is really the one losing in the situation with her breakup from her boyfriend, that now she’s lost two dads and she feels she should have a relationship with her real dad. OK… so that’s probably true, I’ll give her that.
Here is the other strange thing about this situation, her ex-husband has never stopped loving her, and has always wanted her and his daughter back and it’s been at least 7 years since they divorced. He now lives in Paso Robles and when he received the call yesterday, he dropped everything and drove over to see his daughter and ex-wife. He had thought that my cousin had married her boyfriend--he was very surprised to find out that they hadn’t gotten married. In fact his reaction was to put his head in his hands and say: “I waited all these years for my family to come back, and finally four months ago I gave up and got married.” (Makes me wonder what his new wife would think about that statement.) My cousin was surprised to find that her ex-husband was all grown-up, that he had a good job, money, and a new truck and dressed nice. When she was married to him, he couldn’t keep a job, drank too much, drove broken-down beat-up trucks, and had no money.
This got me to thinking: Why is it that it takes a woman leaving a man after years of some kind of abuse or bad treatment and problems, for the man to grow-up and finally be what she wanted him to be all along, only to share that with someone else? I will never understand this. I have had a similar situation where I suffered years in a relationship with someone who couldn’t keep a job, drank, did drugs, treated me badly until I just couldn’t take anymore of it and left. It took something drastic for me to leave; I kept hoping things would get better because I loved him so much. But now… he’s married, has kids, is responsible, now he’s everything I wanted to have with him, and he only became that after I left him.
So I asked her: “How did he look?” (She hasn’t seen him in at least four years). “GOOD” she says. “If he wasn’t married, would you want him back?” I asked half expecting her to say yes, because she really did love him. She says “No”, her reasons: 1) because he would never forgive her for being with her boyfriend shortly after her ex-husband and her split up, and 2) because he wouldn’t except her son that she has with her boyfriend, and 3) ‘it wouldn’t work out with us, we wouldn’t be able to trust each other’, and finally she says… “I don’t know what I want right now”. This scares me. I don’t want her going back to her asshole boyfriend just because it’s easier than starting over with two kids.
Her statements made me think: When a woman leaves a man and he changes and grows-up in the way she always wanted him to—could they get back together? Would the past be able to be forgiven and forgotten or would it always be a huge problem between them?
I’ve often wondered what life would have been like with the grown-up version of the man I once loved and had to leave.
My Photos...
Seeds and watering methods:
Grown up versions? Like you add water and nutrients and that seed somehow changes? You're right, it grows. But you forget that the growth comes from the seed--it's one and the same... I would throw up if I entertained such thoughts about my ex, who I believe, hasn't grown... and never will.
Grown-up fantasies:
You're probably right, in real life it's been my experience that people don't change all that much. Perhaps my grown-up version of my first love is a fantasy of mine.
Grown-up fantasies:
I'd say it depends on the person. I turned out OK, but you never would have guessed it in my 20's. While I was never abusive or a complete asshole of that sort, I was very self centered and rather inconsiderate at times.
Grown-up fantasies:
I think you are right about that... some men (and women) do eventually grow up.
Thank you so much for this post. I'm a guy just recently out with my girl; I can relate to your cousin's ex-husband but in different ways.
Your post laid out the lumber so clearly. I had to email it to myself.
Thanks for sharing.